i’ve been struggling the last few days with people withdrawing from my life. it seems sudden and it seems for no reason. and these absences – without explanation – are really throwing me for a loop emotionally. i’m a bit of a mess to be honest but just trying to hold it together. i somehow thought online friendships could be safer, since it is anonymous, and anyway you can hide behind a computer screen. i didn’t imagine that i could be hurt by online friends in the way i have by in-person friends, but i’m learning that it is absolutely possible. i just wonder if people have any idea the effects their actions can have on others. that by simply choosing to cut an online friend out of your life, how much emotional upheaval you can create.
i’m also really struggling with therapy. i think i may end it with this therapist. i don’t think i trust her. and after many months, if this trust is still a huge issue, i’m starting to think i should find someone else. it’s just so very hard…
i guess i just feel completely alone in my life. the people who i thought would be there – the reliable online friends, or rather the seemingly reliable online friends – aren’t. i have my partner jill, but those relationships only provide so much support. one needs more than just the support of a partner.
these experiences with these online friends have absolutely crushed me. i’m realizing. they’ve hurt me at my core, and it will take a very long while for me to build myself up from this. it takes me a long while to feel i can trust people and i thought i could trust these people. who can you trust when the people you thought you could trust the most has pulled the rug out from under you. at least i have this new blog where i can share my feelings openly and honestly and no one can judge me for them.
that’s all for now. i’m getting too sad thinking about all this stuff.
aowyn.