burn the dragon, take two

so i thought i’d give it another shot. i’m away from home til the end of the month, and tonight – well actually the last several days – i’ve been horribly anxious for no apparent reason. feeling like i’m on the verge of a panic attack. can’t get enough oxygen. heart racing. can’t breathe. wish my body would calm down already.

i’m feeling a bit let down by online people as of late. wondering how much care is really there. it’s frustrating that it can be there one minute and absent the next. but i choose to write this blog for myself and not others, so i’m learning i must keep a safe emotional distance. i’ve been burned too many times by people who said that they “cared.” for online people that means that they care in that particular moment. then they up and leave. just the way of things i suppose, it’s just hard for me to understand how people operate that way. am i suppose to play that same game, and pull away just if and when i feel like it? what a fucked up world that would be if that were the case. but i’m at the point now where it’s hard caring about any of my online relationships when i’ve had so many of these experiences. one person can ruin it for everyone, isn’t it? or perhaps two. or three.

i know this blog isn’t going to be as popular as my other blog. that’s completely fine. in fact, i want it that way. i want to be able to say what i want, when i want, and not actually have to care. can anyone tell i’m feeling a bit jaded at the moment? jaded and pissed and anxious and not caring about anyone or anything. if no one cares about me then why should i care about them. i’m truly sick of it. i really am.

signed,

someone who doesn’t give a crap tonight

Back to Brandic (and my old blog)

Tags

gossip, hurtful people, peace, Switching blogs, Wordpress bullies

Hi all,

So… As some of you may have seen who used to follow my “old” blog, I’ve decided to switch back to that one: Nothininmynoggin. Aowyn had a short life, and Brandic isn’t dead yet (or came back from the dead? which you prefer).

It just felt lonely starting all over with a new blog without the same follower base. I have over a hundred followers over at nothininmynoggin, and although followers are not the most important thing about a blog, I did feel a connection and a special bond with many of them. It’s extremely difficult to end a blog and try to start from scratch. I don’t think I’ll try it again, and I wouldn’t recommend it. Unless you absolutely have to, for whatever reason. Or absolutely want to. But for those of you who have felt bullied off of wordpress, I can say this: I understand. But don’t give up. Take a break from your blog if you need to ( it was very helpful for me). We have a right to stay in the space (in this case, blog) that is ours. No one has a right to take it from us, or intimidate or bully us into leaving.

[There was a situation with a couple other bloggers on wordpress (both of whom I used to be close with) that sent me over the edge. I felt ganged up upon and bullied, since they were openly talking about me on one of their blogs. In a not-so-nice way I mean. I don’t care to reveal who they are, and what was said, because it really doesn’t matter in the larger scheme of things. What matters is how I handle it, how I let it affect me (or not affect me), and how I want to move forward.]

I definitely needed a break from nothininmynoggin, and the break brought me to a state of peace about that whole situation. Or as much peace as I ever will have with it… A part of it is letting time and space heal the wounds, another part is actively choosing to not let other people dictate what you can and can’t do. I thought that by ending my blog that I would be buffering myself from their harshness and meanness. But in the end it ended up hurting me more than helping me. I’m grateful for Burn the Dragon though, since it provided me with an outlet of sorts while I was taking a break.

That is all to say that I have switched back to the blog I was doing before this. If Burn the Dragon is the first site you have come across of mine, and have liked what you’ve read so far, you may want to check out nothininmynoggin, where I will be blogging again from this point forward.

Thank you dear readers for all your undying patience and continued support on this blogging journey. You are all loved and appreciated.
xxx

a mind that attacks itself

Tags

anger, being mistreated, not being able to stand up for yourself, resentment, self hatred, self loathing

i have been doing some reflection this evening, or rather i’ve been attempting to do some reflection this evening, about a very difficult situation that i’ve been having to deal with over the last several months. some of you reading may be privy to some part of the story or another, but the long and short end of it is that i had an extremely painful falling out with someone online. in thinking about this painful situation, one that i’m still recovering from, i find that my mind begins to attack itself. loads of self blame and self hatred get flung around. nasty words and accusations. feelings of needing to be hurt or punished. the sad thing about this is that throughout this whole ordeal, i’ve tried maintaining my composure (i did lose it one weekend where i went off the deep end and went on the offensive) and i’ve tried my utmost to be nothing but respectful toward this person. i’ve turned a blind eye to the heaps of accusatory harsh words and scathing verbal attacks a few months back. i’ve tried my best to be the bigger person. however, i can’t seem to be able to do this with myself. i seem to turn all the anger and resentment around and point it at myself. and this is unfortunately not a singular event. anytime i am spoken to harshly or treated unkindly, my initial reaction upon leaving the situation is for my mind to go on the offensive toward itself. rather than getting angry at the person who was unkind or inappropriate, i get angry with myself. when i think about it more closely, this really doesn’t make much sense. why would i shoot tons extra venom at myself immediately after someone unleashes even just the slightest bit on me. is it because i feel that i deserve it?

i really don’t know but i wish i did.

Day 03 truth. something i have to forgive myself for.

Tags

30 days of truth, blame, forgiveness, regret, wishing things had been different, wishing you'd done something differently

this will be a hard one. not because i walk around with a heavy load of things i haven’t forgiven myself for, but because it’s just a complicated question. what does it mean exactly when you still have to forgive yourself for something. does that mean that there’s something you’ve done in the past that you still blame yourself for and you are holding onto guilt and shame as a result? does it mean something you regret or feel badly for, whether or not you necessarily blame yourself for it? in my life i have tried letting go of a lot of the blaming and self hatred that used to be my daily companions. i have forgiven myself for a lot of things, most of which were things where i was the one who ended up getting hurt. more often i was angry with myself for putting myself in those situations to begin with. or that i had not done anything to stand up for myself at the time. i have since come to understand why those things happened, and why i didn’t stand up for myself. when you become paralyzed with fear and terror when someone is touching you or taking advantage of you (***sorry, may be triggering***), you really shouldn’t blame yourself for “allowing” it to happen. it should never have happened in the first place, and the blame should lie solely on the shoulders of the person(s) who was inappropriate or abusive in the first place.

all that being said, i do have things that i wish i could go back and do differently. things that i wish either had never happened, or things i wish i could change. i will start with the most recent.

• i was given a plant from my aunt to take care of and nurture back to full health. it had been one in the population of plants which had resided at my grandparent’s house years ago. somehow i ended up as this plant’s new guardian. and how did i handle this responsibility? by ignoring it, letting it wilt, letting it dry up, and not even bothering to water it. not once. what should i have done? i should have immediately transplanted it to a smaller pot, with fresh soil and some fertilizer. i should have diligently watered it and given it love and care and attention. and then even if it had died under those circumstances, i would have known that i at least did my best. but instead, i failed. i failed the plant, i failed my aunt, i failed my grandparents. i know it’s just “a plant”, but still. it was a living thing. and now it’s dead because of me. not only did i neglect to attend to its needs, i blatantly ignored it even when it was obvious it needed care. i would walk past the wilting, dying thing and a pang of remorse and guilt would shoot through my heart. and then i would keep walking. perhaps this is my way of getting back at my grandfather for the things i’ve learned he did to my mom. or perhaps it’s much more simple than that: i am a failure and i should never have been given the plant to take care of in the first place. since that’s what happens: things die around me. i do apologize for my morbid and pessimistic attitude toward things, but considering the topic, perhaps the darkness that enshrouds my description can be embraced as par for the course.

 

was i going to write about other things? if i was, i’ve changed my mind. i think the regret from the death of this plant is enough to last me for awhile. and then i’m sure i’ll find something else to fill my regret bucket with after this regret trickles away. 

the black hole of wordpress

Tags

problems with wordpress app on iphone

boo.

my last two posts – which i wrote on my smartphone mind you – seem to have vanished into a black hole. each time, the posts were sucked out right before my very eyes – i’m not kidding, i quite literally saw them disappear. this caused me much distress as you can probably imagine. not even autodraft versions escaped the black hole’s strong suction power. all that time spent writing, gone. all those thoughtful reflections, gone.

did anyone – of my subscribers – actually get an email announcing the arrival of a new post? if so, would you mind emailing it to me? [aowyn3@gmail.com]

i have to look on the bright side. how important were my words, really? in the first post, i shared in detail about ending the relationship with my therapist and the reasons behind it. okay so perhaps that was semi-important. but nothing that couldn’t be written again, and i’m sure in a more clear and succinct fashion. in the second one, i rambled on about loneliness.

so i suppose that it could perhaps be for the best. perhaps it was the universe(or some other force)’s way of saying that my dwelling on these things really isn’t all that important. maybe it was meant to tell me to get off my blog. (whoops. hello aowyn. i’m a bit slow to catch on sometimes.)

and even as i’m writing this, i’m wondering if the black hole is going to suck this post up as well. hmm. what i do have going for me is that i’m not writing it on my smartphone. i have a feeling that perhaps it had to do with the wordpress app malfunctioning. or something. who knows. all i know is that they were there. and then they were gone. and that’s all i have to say about that.

farewell for now friends.

aowyn.

Day 02 truth. something i love about myself.

Tags

30 days of truth

the second day of truth asks you to share something you love about yourself. this is hard, because my self-esteem isn’t the highest, even on the best of days, and on top of it i’ve been feeling especially vulnerable and shaky lately as a result of some things that have occurred with online friends who turned out weren’t my online friends after all. so… the topic is not an easy one.

i suppose if i picked something, it would be my childlike nature. i get very engrossed in things to the point of it being a fault. when i see something cute or beautiful or amazing, i turn into a little kid and stare in utter amazement and wonder. this was something i used to be quite embarrassed of actually, but have been able to begin enjoying this part of me over the last several years.

what is something you love about yourself?

aowyn.

don’t know who to trust anymore

Tags

alone, feeling betrayed, feeling hurt, sad, therapy, unsure of who to trust

i’ve been struggling the last few days with people withdrawing from my life. it seems sudden and it seems for no reason. and these absences – without explanation – are really throwing me for a loop emotionally. i’m a bit of a mess to be honest but just trying to hold it together. i somehow thought online friendships could be safer, since it is anonymous, and anyway you can hide behind a computer screen. i didn’t imagine that i could be hurt by online friends in the way i have by in-person friends, but i’m learning that it is absolutely possible. i just wonder if people have any idea the effects their actions can have on others. that by simply choosing to cut an online friend out of your life, how much emotional upheaval you can create.

i’m also really struggling with therapy. i think i may end it with this therapist. i don’t think i trust her. and after many months, if this trust is still a huge issue, i’m starting to think i should find someone else. it’s just so very hard…

i guess i just feel completely alone in my life. the people who i thought would be there – the reliable online friends, or rather the seemingly reliable online friends – aren’t. i have my partner jill, but those relationships only provide so much support. one needs more than just the support of a partner.

these experiences with these online friends have absolutely crushed me. i’m realizing. they’ve hurt me at my core, and it will take a very long while for me to build myself up from this. it takes me a long while to feel i can trust people and i thought i could trust these people. who can you trust when the people you thought you could trust the most has pulled the rug out from under you. at least i have this new blog where i can share my feelings openly and honestly and no one can judge me for them.

that’s all for now. i’m getting too sad thinking about all this stuff.

aowyn.

the internet seems to make my loneliness worse

Tags

feeling lonely, I'm running from something but I don't know what, internet is unfulfilling, loneliness, online connections

hello everyone. aowyn here. i find that sometimes i get into this mode where i am feeling so alone and longing for connection with something – anything really – that i turn to the internet to try to find it. does anyone else do this? it’s like it’s too painful being with myself, and yet i have no one to connect to in the “world”, so i turn to the online world. yet strangely it doesn’t help or make me feel more connected at all; in fact, in only serves to make me feel more alone. i need to look at this more closely.

i wonder what it is that i’m trying to run from when i don’t want to be by myself. i know there is much pain and hurt there. perhaps i’m afraid to look at it. i don’t know. what i do know is that turning to online things while in a lonely state only seems to make things worse for me. escalate the loneliness. perhaps rather than doing what i’m naturally inclined to do when i’m feeling this way – get online that is, perhaps i’ll try doing the opposite and seeing what happens. i’ll try to connect with things in the outside world and see if that helps with my loneliness. maybe getting offline is the key. will let you all know how it goes.

aowyn.

Day 01 truth. something i hate about myself.

Tags

attachments, being hurt by a friend, caring too much, Days of Truth 30, getting easily attached to people, moving on from a loss, online friendships, resentments

hello blogland. aowyn here. 🙂

the first topic for the 30 days of truth is to share something you hate about yourself. i don’t like the word “hate” – i think there are better ways of saying something besides that we hate it – but i will go along with it for the sake of sharing.

i hate that i get attached to people so easily. then what happens is, when the person who I’ve become attached to decides they don’t want to pursue a friendship or relationship of some kind, i usually end up feeling quite hurt and in fact often devastated.

i recently got attached to someone. a friend, i thought. it was an online friendship, part of a group i was involved in. but something happened – i couldn’t say what – and this person pulled away and withdrew altogether. it was very painful because i didn’t have any idea what, if anything, i had done wrong. it was just suddenly they stopped contacting me. and it hurt tremendously. i realized that i probably had thought we were closer than we were. although then i wonder, if i can’t trust a connection i have with someone, what can i trust.

relationships are complicated to say the least aren’t they. i wish this person only the best. i am sad she is gone from my life, and it was extraordinarily painful when she withdrew from me completely, but sometimes you have to let people go and move on. feel the feelings – the anger, the sadness, the hurt – and then make a conscious decision to not carry resentments toward them moving forward. i may feel resentment, but i think as long as i try my best to not dwell on it and just keep moving forward, reminding myself that i deserve better, that i will come out of it a little better and a little stronger. at least i hope.

aowyn.

30 days of truth

Tags

30 days of truth

so i’ve been reading several other blogs for a while now, and a couple of them are doing this thing called the 30 Days of Truth. i figured i would give it a shot myself. here are list of topics for the 30 days:

30 days of truth

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to want to let go, but just drifted
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days (write a letter)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t life without, because you tried living without it
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you with you hadn’t done in your life
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant, or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

so yeah. this is an interesting list of things to write about isn’t it. i think i will start on the first one in my next post. i think of these “days of truth” as a means for readers to get to know me a little bit so i’m not so much of a stranger. 🙂

aowyn.